Employed

I have emerged from the land of temping and ventured into the world of gainful employment. I am now a Technical Communicator with BW Technologies. They make gas monitors and I'll make manuals.

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I got the new hire package with the offer letter and employee handbook. I'm making decent money and after three months I get vacation, health benefits and a cool RRSP. If I put in at least 5 per cent of my salary, for every dollar I contribute, BW kicks in 50 cents. Man, I'm so old. I got excited over that RRSP matching program.

And, Alan tells me these gas monitors have been on CSI: New York. I wonder if anyone got to meet Gary Sinise.

D-Brief

You know what I like doing? I like walking into other people's offices with a cup of tea in my hand.

Of course, I don't go out of my way to walk around the office with tea. That would be weird and kinda lazy. Which reminds me of a lady who was at a large office I once worked for: I called her the ghost because I didn't know what department she worked with or what she did. Rather, all I knew about her was that she regularly walked through the hallway of our floor with a cup of coffee in her hand. I never saw her talk to people or meet with anyone. At one point I started to worry that she didn't even exist. She was the coffee ghost of the 14th floor.

But I'm not like that.

No, I just like having a cup of tea with me when I go about my regular business. It makes me feel special--like I'm partaking in some symbolic stereotype of office life. I'm sure the novelty will wear off, but right now it's up there with getting my shoes shined or getting a hotdog from a vendor on the street.

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In other news, our dodgeball team has been registered and we're now the illustrious Thundercougarfalconbirds. Natalie originally recommended the name and most people picked it as one of their top choices. So much for Flash Le Bray...

Duck! (aka Brace for Impact!)

So, we're in the process of registering a dodgeball team. We could have a couple more people join, but we're just about there. Official registration begins next week and we'll have to have a team name selected.

A number of good names have been put forth:

The Blue Balls
Ballinators
The Balloonies
Bruised Balls
Dodge This (tm)
Balls Away
Oh the Huge Manatee!
Behold the Power of Balls
Spaghetti and Dodgeballs
Llama Llama Dodgeball
LEEEEEROYY!! DODGEBALL!
Don't Hit Me!
Flash Le Bray and the Amazing Ballers
Testes of Despair
Never Nudes
501st Ballahs
Ballahs
Agrarian Revolt
Thundercougarfalconbird
UFIA
Aim Low

I kinda like Flash Le Bray and the Amazing Ballers, but that might just be me. The team is voting on the pared down choices. So far, there are votes for Ballahs, Agrarian Revolt and Aim Low.

I'll keep you updated on the results.

Politics and more

And now for some context: The above photo was taken by Calgary Sun reporter Blaine Schlechter, whom I do not know but I believe I've met. The event is the 8th Annual Bill Brooks Prostate Cancer Benefit--a great party that raises money for prostate cancer research, education and treatment (simply put: a good event for a good cause). The photo appeared in the Calgary Sunday Sun on February 5, 2006. The article was titled "Thinking outside the box-ers."

Mr. Richardson, the man in the middle, is my representative in Parliament.

The cutline writes itself.

***

In other news, I have a feeling I've been reading too much Fark. Yesterday, I had a meeting with a client (an engineer) and, as he paused before responding to my opening comments, I inserted the phrase "and here comes the science."

That ranks right up there when I was in a meeting with my boss and said "cancelled" using a Strongbad voice.

Someone stop me before I embarrass myself further.

***

I saw this today and it made me laugh out loud. Thought I'd share.

Happy $#%^@ Valentine's Day

Dear Valentine's Day:

You're lame.

Love,

Daorcey

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I'd like to think that I'm a romantic guy. I like long walks to nowhere, random gifts of flowers or pastry, unexpected trips to the mountains, carefully placed "I love yous" and all that jazz. But, Valentine's Day is just too much for me. I know the argument has already been made about how this is a plastic holiday manufactured by greeting card and chocolate companies, so I won't rehash it here.

Simply put, I'm a fan of cards when you're not expecting them and chocolate when you feel like indulging. I'll bow to the corporate romance cabal any other day but today. I refuse to participate and that makes me

and only me

feel good about myself. Sorry, Natalie, but dem's da breaks.

I have gotten Natalie a card or two in our past. The best being a card that says "Valentine's Day is for Losers." If I can find something good like that again, I'll pick it up. But otherwise, I'm not going shopping today.

So, that brings me to the next two images and why I'm redeemed for posting them. You see, quality Star Wars humour trumps plastic holiday. And so, to you, I share the following valentines.

And my favourite:

Buy cheap chocolate tomorrow and throw it in the freezer for when you need it.

Where I've Been

Apparently that represents only two per cent of the world. Gotta fix that.

create your own visited countries map

Non-geek stuff

In a bid to deodorize the geek smell from the blog for a bit, here's what we've been up to besides making up fake cabinets and wasting time at work.

-We are going up to Edmonton for a dodgeball tournament. Brad and Toni decided it would be fun and so did we. Our team's name is Target Practice which is quite apt given our amateur status. So someone will be kicking our asses and taking our names.

-Not done with the dodgeball, we are forming our own team for a recreational league in Calgary. There, we hope to dominate with tough backchecking and hard work coupled with a gritty defence.

-I've joined a recreational badminton league. It's fun but extremely painful as I am terribly out of shape. But, the pain is worth it as it's really fun and makes me pine for the days when Nicole use to hit me in the eye with birdies. True story.

-We saw George S. of many vowels at U of C. He was doing two shows of The Hour in Calgary and Daorcey snagged two tickets somehow. Not only were the stands incredible uncomfortable--we were basically sitting on 2 x 4s--it was a somewhat interesting show. There was a Q & A forum where George regaled the audience with stories of his past mascotting duties as a giant lizard for a Kelowna radio station and embarrassing Britney Spears at a press conference. We would have stayed for more but we already heard most of it when he came to Calgary during the CBC lockout.

-We are going to Karissa's birthday part at... Lloyd's! If any of you grew up in Calgary then I'm sure you've attended at least one party there. Daorcey has never been roller skating and doesn't get the nostalgia value. I, on the other hand, will be there in my neons and glow necklaces.

-We were planning a late February trip to Disneyland but changed are minds because that week, Feb. 20, is President's Day so the park will be overrun with kids. So it's postponed until September where the kids will be in school and hopefully the Canadian dollar will be worth more than the US. See here for more info.

-As many of you know I'm temping my way through the business world but a few days ago I was offered a job in balmy Conklin. If you don't know where it is, it's near Lac La Biche, about 2 hours north of Edmonton. An engineer on the project offered me the job after meeting about 30 minutes before and not knowing my experience with document control, of which I have very little. But I turned it down knowing living in a carnie town wouldn't be for me.

So that's all the non-geek news for now.

Sith Shadow Cabinet

Criticized during the fierce election campaign for their introduction of unprecedented negative advertising and explicit death threats, the defeat of the incumbent Sith Party surprised few pundits. Seen as an autocratic administration, the Sith’s relegation to official opposition begins a major transition period for the galaxy’s most sinister party.

Delivered this morning to a scrum of captive journalists in the bowels of an unidentified prison colony, Sith Party leader Palpatine’s shadow cabinet announcement was preceded by the promise that came to embody his campaign.

“The people require a government of action and decision,” he said, prompting one reporter to rise spontaneously by his throat to ask where the people could expect such a government.

“Not from a Jedi,” replied Palpatine, presumably referring to Prime Minister Yoda.

Leader of the Opposition and Lord of the Sith – Palpatine
Despite leading his party to defeat, the former supreme chancellor has refused to step down as the leader of the Sith Party. Surprisingly, this decision has met with little public or even private dissention, despite a slate of candidates strong with the dark side of the Force.

A veteran politician known for his propensity for flamboyant outfits and billowing black cloaks, Palpatine is renowned both for his innocuous silver features and the unapologetic brutality of his party. Having served the Galactic Senate for nearly half his life, his diplomatic skills belie a hidden strength that has often manifested itself in persuasive, passionate oration that has literally brought whole audiences to their knees in subjugation.

Though he has always maintained an ostensibly iron grip on his caucus, he has repeatedly attempted to distance himself from their public statements, often allaying concerns with a strangely placating wave of his hand.

His morning announcement indicated that the Sith will continue to push for greater military spending to offset the trillions of credits lost in the destruction of key military assets, as well as punitive levies on both light-side Force use and independent thought. Despite refusing to cooperate with any other political parties, or even to allow them to live, The Sith are expected to provide considerable opposition to Prime Minister Yoda’s bold new policy initiatives, stalling motions in the House with filibustering and epic light saber duels.

Foreign Affairs Critic – Darth Sidious
Despite having absolutely no political experience, no visible face or records of any kind to confirm his existence, Darth Sidious’s appointment as Foreign Affairs Critic was immediately praised by Palpatine and his caucus. Referring vaguely to negations with the Trade Federation and the breakaway Confederation of Independent States, Palpatine assured reporters that Sidious had the mettle to maneuver the Galactic Parliament into a “favourable” position with rebels and separatists alike.

Critics who have pointed out that Darth Sidious and Palpatine are “obviously the same guy” have been brutally silenced. Clearly, they aren’t.

Justice Critic and Party Whip – Darth Vader
Next to Palpatine himself, Darth Vader has had the most public profile of any Sith Party member. His proposed “I do not look kindly on failure” bill sought to mete out executions for any and all crimes, including those of negligence, accident and mistaken identity. Its defeat in the Senate after a protracted battle that demolished the millennia-old edifice and killed all onlookers was widely agreed to be the defining moment that collapsed Palpatine’s government.

His appointment as party whip is a natural one, having often been dispatched to dissenting riding associations to “promote” new riding presidents.

Citizenship and Immigration Critic – Darth Maul
Party stalwart Darth Maul has been a loyal supporter of Palpatine since the senator’s unexplained ascension to the party leadership. Despite being a Zabrak immigrant himself, Maul has continued to toe the Sith line, demanding that all immigrants demonstrate their strength and force of will in a duel to the death before being able to gain refugee status. He was also one of the most vocal supporters of former Citizen and Immigration Moff Darth Tyrannus’s policy on the deliberate deportation of aliens who will face persecution and torture.

Health and Fisheries Critic – Darth Nihilus
A natural choice for the Health portfolio, Darth Nihilus has survived for millennia with a deep and abiding interest in human life. His frequent visits to galactic hospitals, comforting the dying moments before their demise, became regular features in election coverage, showing a softer side of the Sith Party.

More puzzling is the fusion of the Health and Fisheries portfolios, long considered to be completely unrelated. Asked why the two had been merged, Palpatine read from a statement prepared by Nihilus himself, which said simply: “I hunger.”

Heritage Critic – Darth Tyrannus
Formerly the Mof of Citizenship and Immigration, Darth Tyrannus’s relegation to the Heritage portfolio has been widely seen as a tacit demotion by party leader Palpatine. While the new Heritage critic will likely have his job cut out for him as the incoming Jedi government attempts to erase all traces of the outgoing Sith, the scandal surrounding funds allegedly siphoned to the CIS has drastically reduced the portfolio’s profile.

Himself a former member of the Jedi Party, Tyrannus’s defection and subsequent appointment was considered one of the most shocking political developments of the last 200 years.

Defense Critic – General Grievous
Despite suffering a near-fatal bout with inflamed lungs after current Justice Minister Obi-Wan Kenobi ignited them with a blaster, General “Bud” Grievous has continued to be one of the Sith’s most able party front men. A veteran of The Clone Wars, he has been widely praised for struggling in the face of adversity after losing all his limbs in a shuttle accident and incurring a subsequent bronchial infection, all the while managing to remain a terrifying threat to the Jedi.

Known for his multitasking prowess, Grievous has already ingratiated himself to both the powerful military and droid voting blocs.

Veteran Affairs Critic – Boba Fett
Certainly the most controversial appointment to the Sith Shadow Cabinet, Boba Fett was jet-packed in despite muted caucus protests that the party didn’t need his scum. Nonetheless, Fett comes to the party with an extensive background in freelance military operations and the resounding endorsement of the storm trooper corps, whose dissolution has added some 5,000,000 veterans to the already neglected portfolio.

His proposal to cut off benefits to Jedi still extant as force ghosts has already met with resounding approval.

- Jeff Kubik for DarNat

Jedi Cabinet

The votes are in and the people have spoken. The Jedi will form the next Galactic Government as the ruling party of a minority parliament. During the past two weeks, many high profile Jedi have sat anxiously near their holoprojectors with the hope of a call from the Prime Minister designate.

Today marks the swearing in of Yoda as the first Prime Minister of the Galactic Government. Once Prime Minister, Yoda announced his Jedi Cabinet that will rule the Galaxy for the duration of this parliament.

Ministers in the Jedi Cabinet

Prime Minister – Right Honourable Yoda
A political master with hundreds of years of experience, Yoda has received a strong vote of confidence from his constituents with an 80% approval rating following exit polls. Although many outside the Party feel Yoda to be a natural choice for Prime Minister, a recent internal power struggle between Yoda and Mace Windu for Party leadership has left the party with fractured loyalty. As leader of the government and his party, Yoda will have to appease the unofficially named “Windu Wonks” through his policy actions.

Despite the right-of-centre alignment of the party, Yoda’s strengths rest in his ability to sense the public will and act on it. His consistently vague rhetoric allows him to be a flexible political leader.

Yoda has promised to quickly bring the issues of inter-species marriages and electoral boundaries in the outer rim planets to the Commons floor within his first month of office. It is expected that he will encourage his party to support the redrawing of electoral boundaries to favour the Jedi party in future elections, something that will cause significant discussion in parliament given the Sith opposition.

Foreign Affairs – Honourable Ki-Adi-Mundi
There is little surprise over the appointment of staunch Yoda supporter Ki-Adi-Mundi to the prestigious title of Foreign Affairs. A popular politician with academics, the well-spoken Jedi is expected the serve the Galaxy well in his role as the external voice for government. Ki-Adi-Mundi has travelled throughout the Galaxy and is comfortable in many languages. He campaigned on a promise to enter serious negotiations with separatist-controlled planets. Analysts believe that Obi-Wan Kenobi was passed over for this position precisely because his negotiations are considered too “aggressive” by many of his colleagues.

Justice – Honourable Obi-Wan Kenobi
Although Kenobi expected the position of Foreign Affairs, he will fit nicely with the Justice portfolio. Elected under the election motto “Strength and Patience,” Kenobi is expected to control his ministry with an iron fist. His first action in parliament will be to significantly increase the number of Jedi in cities throughout the Galaxy to enforce law and order. Rumors exist that suggest Kenobi was a high-ranking member of the Windu Wonks, which may create tension between him and other elected ministers in this government.

Citizenship and Immigration – Honourable Shaak Ti
One of only two woman to be appointed to cabinet, many hope Ti will influence her colleagues with her left-of-centre, inclusive policies and philosophies to government. She is a key architect on the Jedi policy of increased immigration between all planets within the Galaxy and a staunch opponent of citizenship quotas on Old Republic planets.

Health – Honourable Tyvokka
One of two Wookies on the Jedi cabinet, Tyvokka has little experience in the portfolio but receives high praise due to his close friendship with the new Prime Minister. His appointment is contentious, but his political experience should serve him well. Jedi policy on Health includes legislation for the right to die which will effectively ban Sith research into “unnatural” life-extending practices.

Public Safety – Honourable Mace Windu
In a written statement to the media, Windu expressed his “deepest pleasure at receiving such a valuable position within cabinet.” Party insiders suggest otherwise and the low-profile appointment demonstrates continued tension between Yoda and Windu. Despite the recent election win, there will continue to be jockeying for leadership within the party. Windu’s statement made no comment toward policy or actions from the ministry.

Heritage – Honourable Plo Koon
Koon has been a permanent member of the Jedi Library since his membership with the party and has a keen sense of the importance of fostering history and heritage. The Jedi planks regarding Heritage during the election placed a heavy emphasis on ensuring the symbols of the Galaxy are easily recalled by all citizens. Koon is expected to request a large budget to create billions of Galactic flags and buttons to be distributed on select planets where patriotism is considered low.

Fisheries – Honourable Kit Fisto
The appointment is a natural fit for the amphibian Jedi. While the Fisheries ministry is traditionally a low-profile position limited to water planets, Fisto is expected to be a key spokesperson for the Jedi government to leverage his popularity with the opposite sex of many species.

Defence – Honourable Chewbacca

A surprise star candidate during the election, Chewbacca is the second Wookie on cabinet prompting some critics to muse about the “walking-carpet parliament.” A close friend of Yoda, Chewbacca has extensive experience as a general in the Wookie army, yet has spent limited time in other planets. He is also hampered by his unilingualism and poor diplomacy. Despite his political flaws, many of his opponents have adopted a strategy to let the Wookie win.

Veterans Affairs – Honourable Qui-Gon Jinn
Political analysts feel this appointment is a small misstep for Yoda. Contrary to official Jedi policy, Jinn recently went on record as saying that he would rather see veterans of our great wars fade away.

International Trade - Honourable Mara Jade
Elected as a Sith representing the planet Aargau, Jade's appearance on the Jedi Cabinet is a source of significant controversy within both the Jedi and Sith parties. Analysts believe her defection was brokered by Jedi insider Luke Skywalker through the promise of greater political power.

In a statement made to the press o the day following her appointment, Jade said: "The opportunity is presented for me to carry on pursuing the very agenda I had been running to pursue under Palpatine."

The Sith Riding Association for Aargau is demanding that Jade repay the riding association for monies used by Jade during her election campaign.

"I don't understand why they would go to such bizarre lengths as to raise that kind of issue when in fact I had done so much and raised so much for the Sith Party," responded Jade.

She is expected to play a key role in the return of the Force Olympics to be held on Aargau in three years.

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Why? Because Jeff and I thought it would be funny in that geeky sort of way. Stay tuned for the Shadow Cabinet by Jeff Kubik.

In the meantime, I encourage everyone to take their own whack at putting together your own Jedi Cabinet in the comments. Below are some of the appointments that are left unfilled:

Public Works and Government Services
Labour and Housing
International Trade
National Revenue
Human Resources and Social Development
Indian Affairs
Intergalactic Co-operation
Treasury Board
Industry
House Leader
Finance
Transport, Infrastructure and Communities
Agriculture
Environment

For help with Jedi we have known check out Wikipedia.
For the real cabinet, check out the Globe and Mail.

At least all of Yoda’s ministers were elected!