Bird-Killer Le Bray

Always look both ways before crossing the street.

Because, if you don't, I'll be coming right around the corner.

If you haven't heard yet (because Natalie hasn't told you), I had a little run-in with a magpie last Tuesday. After driving to spicy perogy pizza after my last soccer game with the Smashing Pumpkins, I came off the Sarcee overpass onto 16th Ave NW and saw two magpies land right in front of my little Echo.

At this point, I'm rationalizing what's about to happen: Oh, those birds are going to fly away 'cause that's what birds do. Birds stupid enough to stay on a traffic-busy road are meant to be taken out of the reproductive population.

This one was stupid enough.

The next thing I know, I'm bracing for impact and I hear the quick 'thud-thud-thud' of a bird's head being smoked by the undercarriage of my car like a hockey card against the spokes of a bike wheel. I gasp and look out my rear-view mirror to see a puff of feathers.

The next thing I know, Jordan and Caleb are pulling up beside our moving car and giving me a big thumbs up. Natalie's laughing hysterically. I feel a little sick.

Honestly, I don't like being responsible for the death of an animal. But this isn't the first time. 'Bird-Killer' is not my first moniker of the sort. It follows 'Fish-Killer' after I killed a line of three siamese fighting fish (one through the stress of transport, the other with the aid of a toy sandcrawler in the tank for decor, and the final because it committed suicide).

I once hit a duck in the head with a slingshot. All I remember about that is that the duck promptly tipped over with its feet sticking out of the water. I've never picked up a slingshot since.

And, finally, the only other animal I can remember killing was a poor frog that happened to be unlucky enough to be caught by a set of curious young boys with a hammer. I still get kinda sick thinking about that one. Maybe that's why I don't like hammers, saws, etc.

So yeah, the point is that I feel remorse. Poor bird. But if I had to do it again, I would. Better to smoke a bird than endanger people with a bit of hazardous driving. I still feel bad about the duck, fish and frog, though.