Sith Shadow Cabinet

Criticized during the fierce election campaign for their introduction of unprecedented negative advertising and explicit death threats, the defeat of the incumbent Sith Party surprised few pundits. Seen as an autocratic administration, the Sith’s relegation to official opposition begins a major transition period for the galaxy’s most sinister party.

Delivered this morning to a scrum of captive journalists in the bowels of an unidentified prison colony, Sith Party leader Palpatine’s shadow cabinet announcement was preceded by the promise that came to embody his campaign.

“The people require a government of action and decision,” he said, prompting one reporter to rise spontaneously by his throat to ask where the people could expect such a government.

“Not from a Jedi,” replied Palpatine, presumably referring to Prime Minister Yoda.

Leader of the Opposition and Lord of the Sith – Palpatine
Despite leading his party to defeat, the former supreme chancellor has refused to step down as the leader of the Sith Party. Surprisingly, this decision has met with little public or even private dissention, despite a slate of candidates strong with the dark side of the Force.

A veteran politician known for his propensity for flamboyant outfits and billowing black cloaks, Palpatine is renowned both for his innocuous silver features and the unapologetic brutality of his party. Having served the Galactic Senate for nearly half his life, his diplomatic skills belie a hidden strength that has often manifested itself in persuasive, passionate oration that has literally brought whole audiences to their knees in subjugation.

Though he has always maintained an ostensibly iron grip on his caucus, he has repeatedly attempted to distance himself from their public statements, often allaying concerns with a strangely placating wave of his hand.

His morning announcement indicated that the Sith will continue to push for greater military spending to offset the trillions of credits lost in the destruction of key military assets, as well as punitive levies on both light-side Force use and independent thought. Despite refusing to cooperate with any other political parties, or even to allow them to live, The Sith are expected to provide considerable opposition to Prime Minister Yoda’s bold new policy initiatives, stalling motions in the House with filibustering and epic light saber duels.

Foreign Affairs Critic – Darth Sidious
Despite having absolutely no political experience, no visible face or records of any kind to confirm his existence, Darth Sidious’s appointment as Foreign Affairs Critic was immediately praised by Palpatine and his caucus. Referring vaguely to negations with the Trade Federation and the breakaway Confederation of Independent States, Palpatine assured reporters that Sidious had the mettle to maneuver the Galactic Parliament into a “favourable” position with rebels and separatists alike.

Critics who have pointed out that Darth Sidious and Palpatine are “obviously the same guy” have been brutally silenced. Clearly, they aren’t.

Justice Critic and Party Whip – Darth Vader
Next to Palpatine himself, Darth Vader has had the most public profile of any Sith Party member. His proposed “I do not look kindly on failure” bill sought to mete out executions for any and all crimes, including those of negligence, accident and mistaken identity. Its defeat in the Senate after a protracted battle that demolished the millennia-old edifice and killed all onlookers was widely agreed to be the defining moment that collapsed Palpatine’s government.

His appointment as party whip is a natural one, having often been dispatched to dissenting riding associations to “promote” new riding presidents.

Citizenship and Immigration Critic – Darth Maul
Party stalwart Darth Maul has been a loyal supporter of Palpatine since the senator’s unexplained ascension to the party leadership. Despite being a Zabrak immigrant himself, Maul has continued to toe the Sith line, demanding that all immigrants demonstrate their strength and force of will in a duel to the death before being able to gain refugee status. He was also one of the most vocal supporters of former Citizen and Immigration Moff Darth Tyrannus’s policy on the deliberate deportation of aliens who will face persecution and torture.

Health and Fisheries Critic – Darth Nihilus
A natural choice for the Health portfolio, Darth Nihilus has survived for millennia with a deep and abiding interest in human life. His frequent visits to galactic hospitals, comforting the dying moments before their demise, became regular features in election coverage, showing a softer side of the Sith Party.

More puzzling is the fusion of the Health and Fisheries portfolios, long considered to be completely unrelated. Asked why the two had been merged, Palpatine read from a statement prepared by Nihilus himself, which said simply: “I hunger.”

Heritage Critic – Darth Tyrannus
Formerly the Mof of Citizenship and Immigration, Darth Tyrannus’s relegation to the Heritage portfolio has been widely seen as a tacit demotion by party leader Palpatine. While the new Heritage critic will likely have his job cut out for him as the incoming Jedi government attempts to erase all traces of the outgoing Sith, the scandal surrounding funds allegedly siphoned to the CIS has drastically reduced the portfolio’s profile.

Himself a former member of the Jedi Party, Tyrannus’s defection and subsequent appointment was considered one of the most shocking political developments of the last 200 years.

Defense Critic – General Grievous
Despite suffering a near-fatal bout with inflamed lungs after current Justice Minister Obi-Wan Kenobi ignited them with a blaster, General “Bud” Grievous has continued to be one of the Sith’s most able party front men. A veteran of The Clone Wars, he has been widely praised for struggling in the face of adversity after losing all his limbs in a shuttle accident and incurring a subsequent bronchial infection, all the while managing to remain a terrifying threat to the Jedi.

Known for his multitasking prowess, Grievous has already ingratiated himself to both the powerful military and droid voting blocs.

Veteran Affairs Critic – Boba Fett
Certainly the most controversial appointment to the Sith Shadow Cabinet, Boba Fett was jet-packed in despite muted caucus protests that the party didn’t need his scum. Nonetheless, Fett comes to the party with an extensive background in freelance military operations and the resounding endorsement of the storm trooper corps, whose dissolution has added some 5,000,000 veterans to the already neglected portfolio.

His proposal to cut off benefits to Jedi still extant as force ghosts has already met with resounding approval.

- Jeff Kubik for DarNat